The "Us" In Focus

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What if you’d die for your spouse—but you won’t change for them? Ouch. That’s the kind of honest, unscripted question Don and Lisa tackle this week on Wedded Wednesday. The scripture is Philippians 2:3: “Don’t be selfish, don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.”

Selfishness is the trait nobody wants—but everybody has. And it doesn’t always show up as big, obvious betrayal. Sometimes it’s a Frosty you didn’t share, a donut you didn’t bring home, or a financial decision you made without a conversation. In this episode, Don and Lisa get real about how the “creep of me” slowly steals the “us” from marriage—and what you can do about it.

Key takeaways:

• Selfishness is actually the root of disrespect, devaluing, and dishonor. Left unchecked, those three D’s can lead to a fourth: distance (or worse).
• The antidote isn’t more rules—it’s respect, honor, and dying to self. Marriage is a call to selflessness, not self-fulfillment.
• A simple test to see if “me” is in focus: Do you get offended when your spouse doesn’t say “I love you” back? That’s a sign you wanted something in exchange.
• Many people say they’d die for their family. But are you willing to change for your family? That’s the harder, more daily question.
• When “us” is in focus, “me” fades. And unity, servanthood, and peace grow in its place.

Real talk from the episode:

“I don’t know a man who wouldn’t say, ‘I’d die for my family.’ But if you can die for them, why won’t you change for them?” – Don“
"It’s not about control. It’s about respect. Did you have plans? Let me include you.” – Lisa

Your challenge this week:
Take a few minutes with your spouse and honestly ask: Where has “me” been in focus instead of “us”? If something comes to mind, be brave enough to say, “I’ve been selfish here. Will you forgive me? I’m going to work on that.” Then watch how the atmosphere of your marriage shifts.

Quote to remember:

“When me is predominantly in focus, the us cannot be.”

Thanks for pulling up a chair again. Share this episode with someone who needs a gentle, non‑lecture reminder that marriage works best when we stop keeping score and start serving.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:09

What if marriage advice didn't have to feel like a lecture or a counseling session? Well, welcome to a weekly coffee date for your marriage that we're calling Wedded Wednesday. I'm Pastor Don Smith along with my wife Lisa, and we are right there in the trenches with you. And this podcast takes the pressure off perfect and puts the focus on purposeful. Our desire is to give you Bible-based tools to work on your marriage, not just in it. Each week, we get real, we keep it lighthearted because marriage is hard enough without being stuffy. We want to leave you with one practical challenge to actually use before the next podcast. Whether you're in a great season or barely holding on, I want you to pull up a chair, get a cup of coffee, and let's be intentional together. Welcome everybody to Wedded Wednesday. I'm Don. And I'm Lisa. Ooh, and we are your hosts for Wedded Wednesday. Each and every Wednesday, uh, we come on and just sit here and have a topic for. How can you say just sit here? We don't just Well, I guess that's true. We uh we got but you never know what the topic's gonna be about. No, I really don't know because now But I think that our listeners love that. I think that they love that you know what you have to say is very raw, it's very real, it's very spontaneous. And I get to feed off of it.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Is that a good thing or a bad thing for you? For me, I like it.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

I like feeding off of it. Yeah, I think it's uh I think it's an amazing thing. So yeah, great. Great. All right, I got a scripture for us this morning on Wedded Wednesday. Thanks everyone for joining us. And uh we hope that you're having a great day and we can be quick. Whether you're listening as a couple or you're listening as married people individually, and then you talk about it later. What we want you to do each and every time, though, is we want you to make sure that Wedded Wednesdays podcast and Facebook Live encourages your marriage, gives you some tools uh to continue to grow as husbands and wives. So today the scripture out of the new living translation. Okay, and I've been reading Out of the New Living a lot lately. It's it's uh it's been really good. So this says uh it's it's Philippians chapter 2, verse 3, and it says, Don't be selfish, don't try to impress others, be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Okay, okay, you ready? Selfishness, selfishness.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

This is what this is about.

SPEAKER_01 2:40

Yeah, don't be looking at my notes. Don't be she's trying to cheat, y'all. She she does, she's she's trying to cheat. She got this philosophy, you know, when if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.

SPEAKER_02 2:52

That was not me. That was not you, no.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

I think that's that's that philosophy.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

That was our friend Joey.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Lisa, can you think of a time when you were selfish about something and it affected our relationship?

SPEAKER_02 3:11

I'm sure there's plenty, but I can't like narrow it down to one thing and just an instant.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

You can't think of it, or you can't.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

You can already you already have an instant. Well, with the question, with the question he had, he already had something in mind of something I was really selfish about that affected us.

SPEAKER_00 3:30

No, it's just a question.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

It's just a question.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

Maybe what we eat.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

How how do you think that selfishness affects the marriage relationship?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Oh, selfishness affects it a lot. I think it plays a major role.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

In what ways?

SPEAKER_02 3:53

It um belittles or demeans the other person's perspective or point of view and their part in the relationship, I think.

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Let's talk a little bit about it because uh it's a trait that none of us want. But all of us probably have it.

SPEAKER_02 4:13

I think we were born selfish.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Okay, selfish now of all the traits that we want in our life, right? Everybody wants the trait of of what? Be an encourager. We want to we want to have the trait of you know, hardworking.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

I forgot to do, I forgot to share.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

We we want the trait of um being generous, you know. I mean, there are a lot of good quality traits that we want as a married couple, or at just as a person, I should say. But selfishness is not a trait that any of us want. No, I don't think all of us happen to have. I mean, like we're devoted to ourselves. Yes, we are. I like me. Yes, you do. I like to be comfortable.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

I think all of us do.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

I I like I like what I want to eat. So, for instance, when when it's like, okay, where do you want to go to lunch? Mm-hmm. Right?

SPEAKER_02 5:11

And this is where the everybody gets annoyed with everybody. I don't know, what do you want? Because we're trying not to be selfish. But then, really, in our heart of hearts, we know what we want. But you also appreciate honesty. Like the last time we went up to Kalamazoo for my appointment, you said, What do you want for lunch? And I said right away where I wanted to go. Usually go, oh, whatever, whatever. Nope. That day I already knew. And I straight up said it. That's right.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

And I was like, and you went, wow.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

You went, wow.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

I said, Yep, I knew exactly what I wanted. That was great. And it was one day to we, so like though there's times when I think, you know, your spouse is asking you, hey, tell me what you want. And we're we're not asking you in that moment to focus on being selfish, we're just saying, let me be a blessing in your life. Right. But there's a difference when you're so devoted to yourself, to what makes you happy, to what benefits you, to your own interests, yes, that it affects the marriage in a negative way.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Well, I think sometimes when you don't ask your spouse's opinion about something, let's just say, okay, I don't know many people that do this, but let's just say you're gonna buy a new car.

SPEAKER_03 6:29

Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 6:30

You know, you're gonna get rid of your truck. Uh, you just go, I'm not getting rid of my truck. No, but you just go and do it.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

And I'm talking to you.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

And then that right, you don't talk to me, and that adds a payment to to our it affects us in every way. I think that's very selfish. I think that's something you you really should discuss with your spouse. And it's not asking for permission because some people go, why do I have to tell my husband I'm going to dinner with girlfriends, or why should I ask if I can go? It's not, it's not about control or anything like that that you have over me. It is a respect. It's like, did you have any plans?

SPEAKER_01 7:18

The antidote to selfishness is respect. So respect, consideration, yeah. The one thing that suffers inside of marriage is respect and honor. I believe so. And when those when respect and honor it starts to fade or negate, okay, then uh disrespect, devalue, yes, dishonor, become a prominent part of the marriage. Yes. And when the those three D's, disrespect, devalue, and dishonor, are a part begin to be a part of your marriage, then the fourth D is more than likely on its way.

SPEAKER_02 8:01

Well, it gets thrown out there, probably. Divorce, right? Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

And obviously that's not where we want to be, okay? And Tony, Tony Gonzalez said, yeah, it's just about it's about respect. It's about honor and those type of things. So the antidote to selfishness is respect and honor, okay? But sometimes we don't realize the depth of disrespect and the depth of dishonor that we uh we bestow on our spouse by being selfish. Right. So Because you're not thinking about your spouse. If I were to put it this way, the call to marriage is a call to selflessness. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

I think it I think it's getting harder in the world that we live in now to be respectful because we're using social media to try to be a better influence, to be a light, but so much of social media is disrespectful to other you're just disrespectful to people that you're not in front of face to face. Right. And I think it's just crept into our everyday lives with people we work with, people we love, love, and live with.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

The title of if I were to title today's kind of like Wedded Wednesday, it's the us in focus, us in parentheses, right? Instead of the me in focus. So when when when the creep of me happens into marriage, the creep of me. Yeah, I yeah, what happens to us is that uh we begin to be self-centered, okay, and it's robbing the marriage of the unity uh because of self-desire. And then naturally what happens is disrespect, dishonor, and devalue. And then distance happens. Right. So what happens is instead of the focus being on us because of selfishness, okay, even the last two letters in the word focus is what? Us, us, US. Ooh, you got that pretty good, right? She's a pretty good speller.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

I'm slow in the mornings. I don't, my brain doesn't function well.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

The us in focus, see what happens is selfishness puts me in focus. Right. So the warning to married people is to say, well, how do I know if selfishness has crept into our marriage? Okay. Well, first and foremost, uh your job is to not uh focus on your spouse as much as on where your role is in this, right? Like where am I being selfish in this moment?

SPEAKER_02 10:43

It's so easy to point at your spouse that they're being selfish, but what about what's my role in it?

SPEAKER_01 10:50

What if what am I doing on my part? And so when you feel like, okay, there's disunity, when you feel like you're you're you're that selfishness is creeping in, what you can do is begin to evaluate, right? Like how much of me am I wanting to be highlighted here? Okay. Um, and how versus how much of us am I trying to promote? Right. Okay. So the call to marriage is a call to selflessness, it's a s it's a call to sacrifice, right? And so what happens is when we put me first, we put marriage second. And us is definitely going to suffer. Suffer. Yeah. But when we put us first, by putting me second, right? Then unity is promoted and and servanthood is promoted, and those things. Uh I remember you and I were doing some research for a marriage sermon series that we were doing. Okay. Right. And uh I was trying to do some research on the idea of servanthood marriage. And there was very little material written on the subject. Uh, and I was shocked at the little material that I could find to help us prepare for the idea. Maybe we should put something out there on the idea of servanthood in marriage, uh, those types of things. So, for instance, I I was thinking on the way to to the office this morning. Okay, I was thinking about just man's role. There, there's probably not a man that I know that I could ask, are you willing to die for your family? 100% of the all the men that I know would say, absolutely. I'm willing to die for my wife, I'm willing to die for my children, I'm willing to die. They would say that. Right. But my question is, okay, if you could say you were willing to die for your family, how come you're not willing to change for your family? Right. Ouch. That was my thought on the way into the office this morning. How every man I know would say, I'm I would die for my family. But then I could ask those same men who have problems in their families, are you willing to change? Why are you not willing to change? Because she needs to change. Selfishness. Right. Selfishness. Now I'm not a woman, so I don't know. I don't know, I can't, I can't speak for women, but I can I can speak, I think, for men to say all of us would, you know, we like that heroism that is the idea of dying for our family. Okay. But isn't really the idea of if there's something in my life as a husband that needs to change, and I refuse to do that, that means I'm not willing to die. Because that's the call of marriage, to die to self. Right. It's the only way to deal with selfishness is to die to self so that others can live.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

I also know people that are like, well, if they can't love me for me. And it's it's not about your um personality. You know what I mean? Changing who you are in that sense, but of letting go of the selfishness part, if if that makes any sense at all. Because some, you know, it's like, well, why would they want to change me if they love me? And it's not about changing who you are, but it's changing the character of Christ in you to become more correct, you know, selfless.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

I think we can give you a little test, right? Me? Yeah, no, everyone. We can give everyone a little test about whether the us is in focus or the me is in focus. Okay, what is that? Do you get offended at your spouse if you say I love you, and they don't say I love you back?

SPEAKER_00 14:54

That's it. Right?

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Because oftentimes we say I love you to our spouse because we want them to say it back. Back. You want something in exchange. In exchange. That you see what I'm saying? Instead of just just saying, Hey, I want you to know I love you, right? Right?

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Uh, there's that's just a little test, right? Or, you know, uh on the phone, right? If if you're on the phone with your spouse and and you say, Okay, I I gotta go, I love you, bye, and your spouse just says, Okay, bye, bang, and they hang up and you're like, Whoa, wait a minute. What? And you call them right back. You're like, Yeah, why don't you say I love you? What do you mean? Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? What's going on? I'm saying, like, that's the self-in-focus instead of the us in focus. Now, I'm not saying, okay, that we shouldn't extend benefits in marriage. Right. Because that is servanthood, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Uh, but what I'm saying is that's a little test to see what's in focus here. Us or me. Okay, and I want I I think that the idea of today's devotion is to examine how much of the us is in focus versus how much the me is in focus. I mean, God's given us a great example, I think, uh, to follow with him. It's always been about us. Right. Um, because we're the love of his life. God so loved the world that he gave, right? Uh, that he sacrificed. And the great blessing of following his lead is that we learn to be the same way. And so when our focus is on others, when our focus is on our spouse, right, there's no selfishness or guilt that we have to deal with.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

True. It's very good. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_01 16:36

So again, can you think of a time when I was selfish that it affected our marriage? Our relationship.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

There's probably a lot. I can't pinpoint one thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

You can't, or you just don't want to because everybody's watching.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

You've done that about the the not saying I love you part. Oh, sure, sure. Don't you love me? Yeah, what's that? What's the matter? You know. You have called me back before, and you go, hey, I said, I'm sorry. I was just focused on doing something, and I was dropping the phone anyway.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

I was like, hey, you good? And and you were like, yeah, why? You didn't even realize you didn't do it. I'm like, I'm just, I just want to check, you know.

SPEAKER_02 17:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Everything all right?

SPEAKER_02 17:25

But that didn't affect us, you know, in that kind of a way. I don't know. Do you remember way back in the day? Oh, here she goes. She's got one. I love it. Way back in the day when you and Derek used to like try to find little businesses to do, and then y'all did that silver.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

And you, I mean, what was it, 120 bucks back?

SPEAKER_01 17:46

I guess, or something, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

But our money was so tight. I was so mad at you when you did that because we didn't really discuss it. You and Derek discussed it, and here you went and put this money on that, and we didn't have money. I mean, we don't have you know what I mean. It's just like, dude, we didn't talk about that. We don't have an extra 120 bucks a month to spare.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

I knew she would come up with one.

SPEAKER_02 18:10

But it's such an oldie. It is oldie, but but I think we got into a little fight about it. Oh, for sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:16

But it was but it wasn't a deal breaker thing.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

But I just remember being really upset because I wasn't included in that decision making to go over our budget together. And that was more of the hurt, I think, of that was not being included. And I felt that was very self-faceted.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

The motive in that moment was like, okay, I think this would be something that could benefit us. Yes. Right? You had great intentions, um, uh, but it it was not something that I really discussed with you, and so you felt alienated in that moment. So that I think that's what happens. So, how does it affect the relationship when when the me is in focus instead of the us is in focus? What happens is the relationship begins to make each other feel isolated or alienated from one another instead of together, right? And then you don't feel loved, yeah. And and we see this a lot of times, and you know, there's a lot of things that I think that we try to do on purpose to make sure that it's it forces us to keep the us in focus, and it's not I don't think it's something that you ever master because we're all human. Yeah. Uh and we all but it's something we can strive for. We all have that one trait that nobody wants, which is selfishness. Um, and then happens. And selfishness does come in. It does daily. And so now what I'm suggesting here today is not that you know you shouldn't uh you shouldn't be blessed by being married. You shouldn't be ful I'm not sure suggesting that you shouldn't be fulfilled by being married. That's not what I'm suggesting at all. What I am saying though is that when the me is predominantly in focus, the us cannot be. Right. And that's when things start to suffer. And I think that that's uh a truth that uh we all need to continue to work on no longer. If we've been married one day, we got some young couples who just got married here in the last few weeks, and we got a granddaughter's getting married in a couple of weeks, and then of course, then we just celebrated, you know, our our 34th wedding anniversary, and uh it's incredible. I don't care how long you've been married. No, this is gonna be a wrestling. It creeps in. This is gonna be a wrestling to keep the us in focus.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

And you know, sometimes it's not about you not being able to get something that your heart's desire is, it's sometimes your approach.

SPEAKER_03 20:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

You know, when it comes across very selfish, like I need a new truck, so I'm just gonna go and not talk to you about the finances that are involved.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

I'm really interested in why this idea of a new truck for me is in your brain.

SPEAKER_02 20:56

That's just on I don't know. It just seems to be, yeah, it can be that, like, you know, because you can't say that about I need a new pair of shoes. Because it's it doesn't affect the finances the way that I was just thinking of a large thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

I was just thinking of a large thing that could really affect an entire family and their whole um income situation, everything. And I probably think that way because I'm the one that pays bills, and so that's probably why my mind goes towards something that's dealing with money because that is my responsibility. So, and I know that people that designate a partner to be in charge of the finances, the other one doesn't really know the finances. Yeah, and so it's easier to just go, Well, I'm gonna get this and not know the details, and then that's kind of selfish.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

A little bit.

SPEAKER_02 21:55

Yeah, and not meeting once a month to talk to recap about finance.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

I like it.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

And and again, I probably go there because that's I think that's a major uh thing in most marriages is finances and selfishness can come across in ways of spending.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Spending number one, probably uh it can be my ideas of parenting, number two, you know, it can be uh my thought process on our intimacy inside of our marriage. I was gonna say that there number three, and usually in those orders uh it can happen. Uh there's a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 22:29

Because those are major things that people married couples argue about.

SPEAKER_01 22:33

Correct. It's how do we discipline, how do we raise? But maybe in your marriage, uh, we haven't highlighted one of the things uh that you're struggling with. But what we have highlighted is the idea and the thought process. Uh when the me is in focus, the us cannot be. Yeah. Okay. When the us is in focus, then the me is dying, and servanthood is predominantly what is happening. And so uh yeah, just wanted to kind of share.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

Again, this isn't about someone walking in sin, either. No, that's a different podcast altogether. Yeah, this isn't about that. Bad behavior or willful sin. This is about, oh, you went to Wendy's and you're eating a frosty in front of me, but you didn't think about me. Yeah. Bring me one. You didn't bring me a frosty, or you didn't even ask me if I'd like to have one.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Yesterday. What was yesterday? My wife picked up a couple of our grandkids from the school and she went by uh the Yoders, which makes great donuts, and they all got donuts.

SPEAKER_02 23:30

I brought it up.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

She brought me dinner, okay, but uh everybody had a donut but me and I was like, I did not have a donut.

SPEAKER_02 23:35

I didn't have a donut. I didn't have a donut.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

You don't eat sugar much anyway. So I was just messing around. But uh my wife's like, I didn't know you wanted a donut, you know. Like all of a sudden she's freaking out because it was like I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

I thought about getting a donut, but you're always talking about, you know, behaving. So I was like, Well, I'm not gonna get a don't.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

Nobody can behave around Yoders donuts.

SPEAKER_02 23:56

So, but I didn't get him a donut. I wasn't being I didn't think I was being selfish.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

I brought you good food though. You did, you did. Listen, guys, we thank you for tuning in every week. This is just kind of some thought process that I was having, even on the way to work this morning. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, man, I don't know a guy that if I asked him wouldn't tell me that, hey, yeah, Pastor Don, I'm I I would die for my family. But my next question is, well, then why wouldn't why won't you change for your family? Well, same for women because the me is in focus instead of the us. Now again, I I'll let you speak to the women, I'll speak to the guys, but uh the the principle applies, I think. It's the same. That's the that's a neat part of it. So there you go. Uh is the me in focus or the us in focus? Uh, and hopefully you can sit down with each other and just have a very heartfelt, blessed conversation about where you're at. Hey, you know what? If I've if I've been putting me in front of us, I just want to ask you for your forgiveness, and I'm gonna work on that. You know what I'm saying? That's it. I'm gonna work on that, and then just let that be part of your thought process each and every day. How can I put us first in in this moment and uh see what happens and how the environment of your marriage changes? Right. I like it. You like it? You did you did good? Thanks. You did really good. So, hey, let's pray for them, right? Father, take my focus off of me, put it on you. Uh, Lord, let uh my spouse and others see what it really means to keep the us in focus. Give us eyes that will see um, I think the specialness of keeping the us in focus.

SPEAKER_02 25:43

Father God, I just thank you for what you're doing, Lord, and for the things that we discussed that I pray that these couples can learn to communicate with each other and share each other's hearts without judgment from one another. And I pray that you continue to bring unity into their homes and bring peace, Father God, that overflows into their children, Father God. And let them be a witness for what you can do in the lives of those that surrender to you, Father God, within their marriage. And I thank you for these things in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Amen. Hey, guys, thanks for tuning in each and every week. We will be back here next Wednesday. What? Yeah, we'll be back here next Wednesday for another episode of Wedded Wednesday. Until then, do us a favor, share this on your social media. That's all we need you to do. Just share it out there and let's see what God will do with the message. Hopefully, couple of things.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

I mean I think it's only up for 30 days on video on here.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Again, we are recording these and we're gonna put them out in a podcast form. Uh, I'm just working on some of the behind the scenes details to get that particular podcast set up. And then you can subscribe and uh you'll be able to hear it on all the podcast platforms. But we're working on that until then you have it live and we need you to share it on social media because I know there's a lot of people who could just be blessed by a simple little conversation that's non-threatening, very encouraging in this place. We love you guys, and until next week, we will see you later. Bye guys, and then you're gonna be able to get a little bit of a little bit.